So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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