I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
