Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
