I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
