it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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