Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
