Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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