Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
as a side note pls kill me
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