I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
