I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I have already put on my inside pants.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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