look no pants
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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