does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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