well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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