took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
