i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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