When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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