dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
