I cockslap morals
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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