so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
