Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
