Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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