Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
