Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
