what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
