The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
