i love accidental penises.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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