The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
sarcasm needs its own font
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
