is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
