First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
