I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
