I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
