1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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