I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
