i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
