you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
