i think my tv is drunk
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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