so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
