It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
