Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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