I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
