I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
