Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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