Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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