good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
