The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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