watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
