dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
