The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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