I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
