Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
