People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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