Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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