i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
