happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
