I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
