Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
