my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
