i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize