ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Jerry, you need to find god
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
