Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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